Identity Crisis

     Paul was an extraordinary man.  Incredibly intelligent, an eloquent speaker and a bold man, who through the power of Jesus, changed the world.  The Gospel was advanced mightily through Paul.  However, he had a past and a different name in that past: Saul.  Saul means "ask for" or "prayed for."  And Paul means "small" or "humbled."  Now, there is no doubt that God called Paul and He "asked for" him on that Damascus intervention, but it's peculiar to me that God changed his name to mean "small."  Eventually Paul would go on to write to the Corinthian church that he seeks to know nothing but Christ crucified when he preaches, so that nobody would be swayed by human reasoning or put stock in Paul himself, but in the saving power of Jesus Christ.  God humbled--made Paul small--to show the greatness and power of God through him.  He used the "weak things of this world to shame the strong, and the foolish things of this world to shame the wise."
     God changed the names of several people: Jacob (deceiver) to Israel (struggles with God); Abram (high father) and Sarai (my princess) to Abraham (father of many) and Sarah (lady or princess); Simon (he has heard) to Peter (stone, or rock.) (I believe it says Jesus called him Peter [Cephas] instead of Simon.)  God has an identity for us all.  Outside of Him we are in an identity crisis--it's not stolen, but counterfeit.  If not for sin, the identity would have would be the genuine article, however that is not the case.  When we come to Christ, we are a "new creation;" yet I believer that we transition into how God had originally created us.  Which, incidentally never existed because of sin until we give our lives over to the Lord.  We don't need to make a name change, but sometimes--many times-- we must change our pattern of thinking and how we even talk/relate to ourselves.  We must have our minds transformed by the renewing of our minds in the word of God to see how God defines us.
     In high school I had many nicknames; there was one that remained constant, though: Knappy.  I enjoyed it, partly because there was a plethora of Jordans at my school.  In time, though, Knappy soon became a persona I made--it was a wall that I could hide behind.  And though God certainly creates us with defense mechanisms, going into adulthood those can actually become detrimental.  In the year that I was at a discipleship program after high school, the primary aspect God was working on my life was my identity.  He began to pull me out of "Knappy," and growing me into Jordan, the man of God.  And even now, God has been revealing this to me: God doesn't love Knappy; He loves Jordan.  I created Knappy, but He created Jordan.  I'm not saying "Knappy" isn't special, nor am I saying that there are aspects of Knappy God didn't create in me.  Of course God created me to be the goof ball, light hearted man I am.  But He didn't create me to hide and run away from pain.  God created me to walk through pain with Him.
     That being said, having been back in LG for a couple years and in that familiar territory, old ways of thinking have resurfaced.  Old patterns are coming back.  I should know better than to just let them come, and not fight back.  In this though, it also has caused me to fall into ways of self-degradation, and self-destruction.  It's easy to say something was my fault entirely, or to always find fault in myself.  Sure, taking ownership for one's short comings are good, but not at the expense of thinking you're the scum of the earth.  With that being said, it's coming as no shock to me that where I used to say that I liked myself, look in the mirror and say, "you're cool, bro."  Now it's progressed to "I tolerate myself and only looking at myself when I shave, or at the gym.  God didn't create me to despise myself.  How can I "love thy neighbor as thyself" if I can't even say that I like me?
     A low view of myself means that I'm fine engaging in things that are beneath how God has created me to be.  If I'm a prince, why would I accept anything less than the inheritance that the King has appointed mine?  Why choose the crumbs that fall off the table rather than the feast that has been prepared for me?  I'm a child of the King of kings, a chosen of the Almighty; how dare I spit in the face of the Creator and tell Him I'm not worthy of the things HE gave me?  Obviously, if he died for me, then the value on my life is greater than I can even fathom.  Why would the Hero die for the villain; or the King die for a prisoner?  It doesn't matter; God didn't die for trash.  Don't call anything dirty or worthless which God has made clean and declared the apply of His eye.  If I understood that to Him I am beloved, then I should not regard myself as the scum of the earth.  The evidence points to the opposite.  I should live with a confidence that I am cherished, chosen, redeemed.  I shouldn't accept the scraps when I'm being offered choice morsels. 
     There's no doubt that this will take time.  I'm hurt, I'm scarred and have more insecurities than I ever that I had.  But through God's grace, my road to the identity and person Jesus Christ chose me to be is not blocked.  It's no lost cause.  I can't be by my effort, though.  that's what got me here in the first place.  I gotta do it by the power of Christ in me, because His GRACE IS ENOUGH.