Will You Let Me Drown?

It's hard to put into words how my heart is feeling at the present time.  For the most part, I've felt a storm just swirling around and wreaking havoc on me recently.  You see, God has shown me some areas in my life where He's like, "Okay Jordan, this won't do.  I'm setting before you the path of life and the path of death.  You know which one you want, I know you want Me, but these things that you're holding in front of yourself and pushing Me away is hindering.  Let Me help." 

     It has been something that God's been showing me for some time: passivity.  It runs rampant in me at times and often times causes more harm than good to my life. I understand I inherited that from my father, who is passive himself but I am by no means blaming it on him, this is on me.  Truthfully, it's a stinkin' miracle that I landed a job at WalMart because of how passive I was in pursuing a job (maybe this is God's way of saying, "Hey, I really do work in your life!)  And granted, I'm so thankful for the job, and all glory to God that I landed it, but I am amazed that I got it. (Again, thanks God.)  Perhaps you may not be able to see how this can be a problem, however I see so many potential harms that can come from this.  In my relationships with friends, passivity has sometimes come into play and I've seen the affects of it.  If I'm not going to pursue a friendship INTENTIONALLY, then how are they to know that I really value them and their friendship with me?  Sure, there are times when my intentionality comes into play more than my passivity, but more often than night, the latter replaces the former, and I wonder, "Why am I feeling so alone right now?"  Well, duh, it's because I'm isolating myself in all honesty by not pursuing people.  Then I look to my future, for the bride that God has for me.  How am I ever going to meet her and marry her, when God shows her to me, if I'm not intentional in pursuing her?  After all, what woman is going to want to be in a relationship where the man won't pursue her?  Will she say, "You don't have to show any affection, cherishment or desire to pursue me at all, I'll just marry you and just go with that"?  That's completely ludicrous!  And honestly, I was deceived into thinking that I was more of an aggressive guy, which indeed I am an aggressive guy, but in a more passive way.  Sheesh... does that make sense?  It's a place that the enemy has saw fit to lie to me so that I wouldn't attack my true hindrance of passivity.  Now God is showing me what the thing really is and that I was just really good at covering up my passivity by being an angry guy at times. 

 "Clever, Lucifer, clever.  However, don't you know that My son is Mine?  Your reach is only so far and you cannot have Jordan.  He's mine."  (That's what I imagine God to be saying to the enemy.  However, in my mind, I see the enemy in a full nelson on the floor pleading for help.  Maybe it's because I'm sick of his lies that I'm like, "God, would you just beat him up and shut him up right now?!"

Next off while I wonder back into the Refiner's Fire, another lie has been uncovered and shown for what it really is.  (How is it so easy for the the enemy to lie to me and me not notice/know of it?  It's like he knows I run my mind a lot and then just inserts little nuggets until they take full swing.  Gnarly.)  After spending a year in Anthem, perhaps I had some different expectations of "where I would be" right now in terms of ministry and where God would have me.  I didn't think I was going to be behind the pulpit leading thousands to Christ, mind you, but I certainly was feeling more than just working at Wal-Mart and helping out at the youth groups only when my job would permit.  And here's the lie: "You're inadequate Jordan!  Why else would you be where you're at right now?  You can't do it!"  And you know, there's a flicker of truth in that, in my inadequacy.  I'm only as inadequate as long as I stand apart from the Lord and not constantly in Him.  However, the rest of that is a blatant, bull faced lie straight from the pit of hell.  It shocked me when I found that I've believed it for a short time.  (How many times in the Psalms did I say, "I will remember the good things the Lord has done"?  How many times have I read it?  Why haven't I been a do-er of the Word in that aspect?  God knows, I can't see why at the moment and I wish I knew how I could just change it immediately, but... my limited vision hinders that at the present time.)  I remember that I was called to being a pastor, and God doesn't make mistakes in what He's planning for our futures because He made us and knows what we will excel at.  I know that I am equipped to do all the good things that the Lord has placed before me and that everything that I ever need is in Jesus the Christ who is my Savior and in Whom I have my being. 

In this thing that I call life I walk down it being led by the hand by my Savior.  Right now, I'm in a storm and I feel things are trying to pull me to the wayside, yet I constantly hear the voice of Jesus bidding me to follow Him.  On the other side of eternity, maybe I won't have it ALL figured out, but in the first moment I‘m there, I'll see what this did for me. 

Keep me in your prayers; my heart is troubled and I just need to stay near to my Father who loves me.

Hear Me

It's been a little bit since I've last blogged here, I've been wanting to, however I just haven't got to it until now :)
I'll be a bit transparent here: this past Sunday, God had touched the heart of the pastoral staff at the church I attend to change it up a bit that morning.  So, after David, the pastor, had spoke for a little bit and gave an "outline" of what was gonna happen.  Prayer.  That's what was going to happen; to be prayed for and to seek the Lord and just talk with Him.  I asked David, who also happens to be my mentor, to pray for me.  To be honest, I have felt a bit transparent and feeling kinda "stuck."  God gave Him a picture of me standing and looking around my horizon.  I was comparing myself to the likes of my peers in their respective ministries.  (To give some background, last year I had spent a year in Medford giving a year of my life for God to do what He wants with me and for me to grow with Him.  I felt God call me back when the "program's" year was finished.)  It's not necessarily that I was feeling like I failed, but more like feeling like I'm not doing "good enough" and that, I guess when it comes down to it, failing in what I feel like God has called me to.  The truth is, I have lots of knowledge in this brain of mine about Biblical things and stuff I understand about God, but as much as I have in my head, it doesn't always make it to my heart, where it affects change in my life.  I fully know that where I am at, I am there "for such a time as this" and that God has something for me here.  I know that, no matter how hard I try, I really can't work to please God.  No amount of stuff that I do can make God be pleased with me.  Yet, because I am in Christ, I have God's approval, His blessing, and I am pleasing to Him- because I am in relationship with Him.  There's no other thing that is needed.  Regardless of where I am at, what I may be doing, who I may be with, God is always so lavishly pouring out His love, grace, mercy and favor upon me.  I can't earn it.
     Yet I find myself in this rut because I'm comparing myself.  Because I feel like I "need" to do more, it comes to me feeling like I need to work to please God and to earn His blessing.  Don't get me wrong, I know I'm saved by grace, through faith and not by works so that none can boast, but for a moment I think, "Does salvation mean I am pleasing to Him?"  Here's my theological answer: Well of course because it pleased Him to have me brought into relationship because of His manifested desire to have me in His kingdom by way of giving His Son as a sacrifice for me. (Too heady? Well... once it hits my heart, I shall have great revelation even deeper His love and grace towards me.) 
     Here's where the rubber will meet the road: as I feel like Peter after I step out of the boat into the waters and begin to look around, I need to fix my gaze upon my Author and Finisher of my faith, who is able to much more than what I can fathom and give me the proper perspective upon this circumstance that has my heart discouraged.  To this end I quote the 121st Psalm: I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth!  He will not let your foot slip--He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the moon will not harm you by night, nor the sun by day.  The LORD will keep you from all harm-- He will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and your going both now and forevermore.