Earlier today I was reading in Brennan Manning's book "Abba's Child; The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging." Normally my reading consists of the usual head nods and agreement with what the author saying and such. However, the Holy Spirit's conviciton was palpable for me, it was a little alarming, quite honestly. The first chapter was entitled "Come Out of Hiding," speaking to the hearts of those who are "hiding" from God and for those who feel that God only likes them when times are good but not when they are ugly. When I first read that chapter, the words on every page resonated with me; it was incredible to see how much the words of a man, inspired by the Holy Spirit, touched my heart. Once I ventured over to the second chapter, that's when God's Spirit was really touching my heart. It was talking about having a "false self;" the self that comes out due to some sort of tramatic experience in our child hood or due to some "lack" in our lives and so it comes out to try to supplement that lack by things like people pleasing or the constant seeking of affirmation. It was all to due with fear, the fear of if I show who I really am inside, I will be rejected and then I will be alone, realizing my worst fear.
Now, this isn't the first time God has brought to my attention of putting a facade for people to see, instead of actually "showing off" my brokenness to the public. I've had a history, though of being a guy who is open, who doesn't hide much, however to prove to myself in some fashion, there are some things that I wouldn't reveal to you. I thought, "If you knew all of me, you would think me dirty, a loser and a failure. I can't show you ALL of me; I can show you most but all? No, that's too much." You see, I could trust God, I could rely on Him accepting me for all that I am, but humans? No, no, that's too risky. Then I'm shown this: if I preach not to fear man, what they think about you but to live solely for the Audience of One, for His applause. Yet, if I'm not living it out, where is my credibility for what I teach if I'm not living it myself? Somethings happened to me that has caused me to not feel "safe" around people. Maybe it's because I see myself, and if I c an't take the ugly that it's my own life, then why would anybody take me for all that I am? But then I'm reminded of this amazing verse: "So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer." 2 Corinthians 5:17. My flesh tells me that nobody is trustworthy, and if I present myself vulnerable to anyone, it is inevitable for me to be wounded. If were to go on farther on in the scripture there, it goes to say that "if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come!" I coudln't even trust God in you, now that's a problem if I say that I can trust God with all my stuff, but for those who know Christ, I still coudln't trust you. Thank God He has showed this to me now where I can give it to Him so that it doesn't grow into something bigger and more dangerous. What thrives in the darkness, dies in the light and if I'm not willing to share with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ what's going on, the thing that's living in the darkness will only get bigger and more dangerous for me. God's conviction is such a gift, and we would be wise to always heed His voice and leading in what we need to give over to Him. Life isn't life if all you're doing is hiding and "protecting" yourself. Be real, allow healing to begin by being yourself with people. It's true, we're broken people, but in order to be "fixed," you gotta reach out and the only One who can fix us is Christ. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
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